CW

I absolutely hated her, never have I felt one measure of love for her. She is the most irresponsible, stupid, and lousy mess. The only reason I have to deal with her bull is because she gave birth to me. I hate how that only connection makes me have to live a miserable life. I sound like a spoilt brat, but coming home night after night with different men sleeping with your “mother” is disgusting. As if i’m the teenager here, she might as well be the careless, ignorant teen having the unsafe sex. Obviously this makes me the mother in the relationship, as if there is any relationship between us. She had me when she was sixteen, which is equivalent to me having a baby right now. To think she was pregnant at my age… disgusting. There isn’t one day where I don’t think about packing my bags up and getting the hell away from her, but I never have the guts to do it. She’s always telling me how much she loves me and how she loves that she has raised me into a responsible young woman. Bullshit, the only reason I know how to feed myself, drive and work for myself is because I had to learn the hard way. I never bring my friends over because of the embarrassing drunk mess she is, I always find an excuse to hang out at their houses. The only reason I decide not to run away is because she would literally die without me. I didn’t want to be depressed, she wouldn’t actually care if I left. “I’m leaving” I whispered to myself, and that was it. I knew exactly what I needed to live alone. I packed my bags with all that I would need and left, without even the slightest goodbye. I didn’t take the car because she would obviously notice the car before she would notice my absence. I didn’t know where to go. Living in my situation, it’s hard to be that bubbly, optimistic gal. So obviously people could find better personalities to hang around. I didn’t have any friends to crash with. I decided to camp out until I could decide where to go.

Durango Forest, Mexico

I found a comfortable spot below the canopies of the forest to camp out. I set up the tent, a sleeping bag, and a couple of drinks and snacks to keep me company as well. I loved this forest, I use to come out here when I was younger to draw. I took out my sketchbook and a glass bottle of milk. I began to draw the willow trees I saw hanging over me. I slowly faded into a deep sleep by my tent. Rustling coming from a bush awoke me, it’s probably just the wind I thought, nothing lives out here. It got louder, and the sound became choppier as if they were footsteps. I turned around to see a monstrous brown figure so close to me it could feel me tremble. The grizzly lifted it huge paw and swiped it across my face. I attacked the floor and felt my tent collapse on me. The bear continued smelling me and my surroundings; the bear then left while growling a disappointed growl.

My eyes fluttered open, my head was spinning and my brain not able to form thoughts. I kicked the tent of my face as I laid there breathlessly. I looked to my right and noticed my snacks still resting by my tent. The milk looked… gross. Foamy, and the sourness of it crept up my nostrils. It’s not possible, I thought, there is no way milk could have went bad in such short time. Unless? Unless, days have went by. Could it be? Was I out for days? Unconscious for days, and I didn’t even know. I tried to sit up but my body wouldn’t allow it. I grabbed onto a metal rod from my tent and jammed it into the soil. I pulled on the rod to pull myself up. As soon as gravity took over, pins and needles rushed through my brain and I felt warmth ooze out of my nose. I gently dabbed my nose to find blood gushing out. I couldn’t feel it though, I only felt the tingly sensation in my head. I took a sip of water and poured the milk in a circle around me so the pungent smell could repel mosquitos. I dug under my bag to find any acetaminophen for my head, and I came across my phone. “9 Missed Calls: Jenna”. Ugh, what could she want? There was literally no way my mother would have noticed I was missing, she was too caught up in her endless love life. I called her number and heard the ringing tone. “Hello… Lisa? I have some great news!”. Of course she didn’t notice I left, I thought. “You’re gonna be a big sister! I’m pregnant with a baby boy!”. My head felt light, and the blood from my nose began streaming down. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I gripped my phone tight. “You’ve got to be kidding me Jenna, you can’t be this stupid!” I screamed. “Don’t go on pretending an accident is a blessing like you did with me”, I got angrier and angrier. “This boy is going to wish he could die because he was given birth to by an insensitive, ignorant, idiotic whore”. I heard a gasp and then she violently hung up the phone. Serves her right to know this isn’t something she should be proud of. I was happy I got out of there, I would have had to take care of that poor child. I figured it was time I moved to my next location, I was starting to smell bad, and I needed a real meal.

Wapiti Lodge, Durango

I reached Wapiti, a motel I use to hang around when I had my summer job. All the “bad” kids use to hang around here, it was cheap and sometimes the kids would share how crappy their lives were, which helped me out. I decided to stay a couple nights, in the cheapest room. I walked into my room and I saw the ugliest chamuco on my bed. A little chamuco sitting on its paws, wheezing. As much as I hate dogs, I didn’t mind this one. I mean, it looked helpless and obviously didn’t belong there. Kind of like me.

I named him Chamuco, as his breed. Sleeping was the worst, he would always be throwing up, almost as much as my mom did back home. I decided to take him down to the concierge, I told them the dog was sick and the stared at me blank faced like it wasn’t their problem. They said they would go look for some food or medication for it. As I waited with the Chamuco, he began whimpering even more.  I looked up at the TV on top of the concierge desk to watch the news. The headlines read “Pregnant Mom’s Overdose”.

My heart fell, there was no sound coming to my ears. I sat there staring at the TV with tears in my eyes. She is so stupid I thought, how could she be so ignorant to drink while pregnant. She did this to herself, that idiotic excuse for a woman, overdosed and killed herself.

Mexico, July, 2003

It was the day of her funeral. As all her friends gathered around her grave, everyone was saying amazing things about this woman before alcohol consumed her. The people were grieving two deaths, my mother and my brother. I looked down at her grave and whispered to myself, “I killed her”. I thought I was helping her, taking care of her. I was doing nothing, all I did was give her a hard time, which made things worse. She never hated me though, nor herself. In a way, she was a great mother. Now instead of hating her, I hate myself.